A few weeks ago I wrote about how destructive perfectionism is, and how much creativity and joy it’s taken from all of us. It received a few non-friend and family views, plus more claps than I expected. I was thrilled that a handful of people had liked what I wrote! I wanted so badly to build on my excitement, and share another.

Instead, I spent three weeks doing exactly what I had described: picking my next articles apart until there was nothing of worth left.

Recognizing a problem exists is a wonderful first step towards healing, but it’s not enough to just say perfectionism is terrible and hurts us. It’s like opening up an infected wound, then not telling you how to clean and dress it; you’re left raw and exposed, with lots of ways to make it worse.

I’m no expert in overcoming perfectionism, clearly, but believe it or not the weeks of destroying my writing is an improvement! My perfectionism used to be so bad that I was unable to even get ideas down on paper.

My fear of failing the execution left me terrified to even try, so instead I would pre-reject myself. Why start something when you think it’ll fail? Why work on something if it’s not going to be the best? Why start something when you think it’ll never be good enough?

The answer is that you want to.

Pause and reflect for just a moment — what have you wanted to do that you’ve stopped yourself from even trying? How many fun things or happy moments haven’t happened because your fear was valued more than your want?

Maybe it’s a new sport, a new recipe, maybe it’s a certification, or a position at a new company you’d love to work for. Maybe it’s something you used to do, like playing baseball or sketching in the woods. Whatever it may be, wanting to do it is all the reason you need to try, because what you want is important.

I know it’s daunting to try when you’ve been scared for a long time, so I’m going to share what I did in the beginning that helped me start healing. I encourage you to take what resonates, and leave behind what doesn’t. Healing is not one size fits all, and it’s going to look and feel different for everyone.

Examining Our Perfectionism

Before you can heal it, you’ve gotta know where it’s coming from. After recognizing my raging perfectionism, I saw my life through a new lens and everything looked different. I began asking myself lots of questions to better understand when and how this behaviour started.

If you’d like to do the same, Sharon Martin, LCSW, has put together a fantastic list of reflective questions that will help you understand what you’re feeling, and where your perfectionism comes from. She recommends answering a few questions at a time rather than all in one sitting. Reflecting on our emotions and experiences can be exhausting, and spreading that out over a few days or weeks allows us more time to process hard feelings without burning out.

Whether it’s the notes app on your phone, a word doc, or a legal note pad you stole from work, write down your answers however and wherever feels right to you.

You’ve answered the questions, now what?

Try to break down what you’ve experienced into two pieces: what is the reflection, so what was the experience and how did that feel, then consider how will that inform your next steps. There should be hints and indicators in your answers that will help you understand what that might be. Here are two very different examples from my own reflections that may help you understand your own.

1. I grew up with unrealistic expectations constantly pushed on me, while seeing those expectations not pushed on others, including other family members.

I tried really hard to meet these expectations, but they were impossibly high, and if I got close enough the goal posts would move again. There were different expectations of me behaviourally, and in the expected quality of my school or housework compared to others. Our outcomes were always compared, despite the expectations being different. I was considered less than my brother, who would be celebrated for next to nothing while I was in trouble for less.

This tells me that setting consistent, reasonable expectations (the opposite of what I am used to) should help me. I’ll practice setting smaller goals, with achievable expectations, and celebrate each time I meet my expectations.

Since I know I felt unfairly compared to others, I’ll try comparing myself to others in a positive way. Focusing on the positives, like both of us being funny, silly, beautiful, or creative, will help boost my self worth, and in tandem with other changes, will help me reframe my relationship with comparison.

2. I was emotionally and mentally abused for a really long time. They convinced me that I was not going to be loved by anyone else, because I did not meet their expectations. They taught me that my ideas, opinions, and decisions were all wrong unless they said it was right.

Reflecting on this helped me realize that I was taught love is conditional. I would only receive love or affection if I did the right thing, or did something good, but my rightness was never self determined. I didn’t get to decide if a B+ on an English paper was something to be proud of, or that how I looked was totally okay. Someone else decided that for me, and if I disagreed I was wrong. My feelings were wrong.

If we aren’t empowered to decide ourselves if something we did or made was right or good, and we’ve been told that everything we do must be right or good in order to be loved, how can we be expected to do anything.

How can you genuinely expect me to have enough confidence in what I’ve created or how I behave to risk the rejection that comes with it not being good enough, when you predetermined that nothing I did was good enough?

This exercise proved to me that we can’t. It’s cruel to raise a child to believe they are only worth something when you tell them they are. It turns wanting validation into a desperate, painful behaviour, instead of a normal, healthy part of relationships. At the core of my perfectionism is an empty toolbox that should’ve been filled with everything I needed to build myself up.

It’s been about a year since I came to the massive realizations I just shared, and healing this part of me really began. Perfectionism can sometimes feel like a lost cause, like a cyclical, inescapable trap. Through reflecting on my perfectionism, and asking myself some of those hard questions, I was able to see what caged me, and overtime have slowly broken down more of those bars.

Now I work to nourish my inner child by honouring how I felt as a kid. I do this by writing letters to my inner child, and taking part in activities I used to love. I practice validating myself often via daily mantras, positive self talk, and by challenging the inner voice I have that’s a real dick.

I continue to be aware of my feelings, behaviour, and reactions, and question why I react or feel that way. I started trusting what I feel is right, and good, instead of waiting for someone externally to tell me.

After a lifetime of feeling worthless, that I was destined for nothing but misery, I now see a neutral future.

And for a recovering perfectionist, neutral is good enough for me.